I really don't want to be at school today.

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Face. Smash. Keyboard.

I remember the night, I do.
Just not in great detail.
It's almost as if,
it had been turned on mute.
Because I remember no words at all.
Only the movement of your lips.
Like we were fighting underwater.
Then bobbing to the surface of soberiety,
and wondering what all those bubbles that escaped your lips even meant.

If I could do it all over again, without being able to change a thing, I would.
It seems so strange, but I long for it.
If I could do it all over, I would only do it slower.
I'd take every second into my lungs, and breathe life back into it.
Watching hopelessly, desperately wanting to fix all the pain, all the mistakes.
Trapped.
I'd suffer through it all, see it crumble away slowly.
Again and again and again.
I would put us on a never ending loop.
Until we were dead and gone.

Eddie the Tree Monster

Yet another finished piece working with yet another extremely frustrating canvas. Sorry about the photo quality, lighting, spacing and what not - photography is clearly not my calling. Here I emulated (kind of) the Fear of the Dark album cover in acrylic paint on a very large stretched canvas. It was so difficult because the material was so course, and very absorbant of the paint. As in, everything I put on there, had to happen it layers or else it wouldn't show up.

But here it is, Eddie the Tree Monster.

Vomit

Vomit is truth.
Nothing but vile sloppy truth.
It reveals all content you struggled to keep down.
Chunks of food.
The taste of acid on your toungue.
Slime, pure slime.
Ugly things that we do our best to hide.
Ugly doesn't lie.
On your knees, hunched over cool porcelain.
Moments more honest than these rarely exist.
Vomit stinks.
The truth stinks more.
It's uncomfortable on the way out.
The truth, I mean.
Health.
All lies.
No one is healthy these days.
Diseases, viruses, illness.
They live in our bodies, and our brains even.
That is truth.
But health isn't real.
Isn't truth.
Placebos and sugarpills.
Lies.
Pills, remedies, lifestyle changes.
Fake.
Supress the disease.
Supress the truth.

A haiku about what I'm doing with my life :

Hahahahaha
Hahahahahahaha
Hahahahaha

  
Shiiva

 I've finally finished Shiiva, the wall painting she devil! Signed and dated! I'm not exactly pleased with it, but I'm certainly done looking at it. It's given me headache, made me sick! Or it could just be the fact that I'm always sticking my paint brush in my mouth... Maybe I'll pick it up again someday, I've still got one more year to mess with it. But for now she lies dormant. Also she has no fingers, and I don't care! Wahahaha!

Steer Clear of Seasonal Jobs

On the subject of the wall painting I've posted about previously, here's what I have now. I've made some minimal progress, but I decided to share. I cleaned up the lines, and edges. I added highlights and shadows, and started on eyes. Oh, and she also has a belly button now haha. Since the time I've started it, I'm finally beginning to feel like it's going in a decent direction. It's very possible it could all go haywire though, so I'll keep you updated.

In other news, I'm about to be jobless. Ah, I'll miss the ice cream shop. This weekend is my last, before I get laid off of my job. I knew it was coming, and I've been meaning to prepare. Looking for jobs makes me nervous though, asking for apps and following up on them drives my anxiety through the roof. I keep making excuses. I want to look nice, so wait for a day where I'm willing to put in the time to look nice. Wait til you have your car, it'll be much easier. Wait til your birthday, that way you might be taken just a little more seriously. Who am I kidding? I need to get off my ass and do it. I could so easily and comfortably go back into fast food, but I worked way to hard to get out of that, and moved up just a little on the job chain. Might as well try and move up a little again this time.

This sparks more about thought about the future. What do I want to do when I get older? This question always hovering over me. In my dream scenario, I want to go into special effects design makeup. In reality, I'll probably end up working some dead end bartending job. Such is life.

Fears

Beetlejuice

I couldn't sleep, had too much on my mind. So I did this instead. It's sloppy I know, but I think it's a cool idea. Buuuugs. Bugs crawling out of giant holes in my face, ha! Maggots, cockroaches, beetles, spiders, flies, centipedes, creepy crawlers.

Oh, My Feelers!

"I feel the top of the roof come off, kill everybody there as I'm watching all the stars burn out, trying to pretend taht I care.

But I didn't, no one ever does, and I would, no one ever will.

And I just don't accept this."


This is the kind of song I can really sink my teeth into. It's a piece of my internal collection. It's hard to explain how this song makes me feel. It doesn't necessarily feel good, but it feels necessary. Go ahead and give it a listen, or don't, I won't know.

Wall Painting She Devil!

Oh, wall painting, how I loathe thee!

I started this thing sometime my sophomore year, and it's been wrecking my brain ever since. I haven't made a whole lot of progress. I've certainly made a lot of changes throughout my time with it.

This was my blueprint for the painting that would someday be displayed on the wall of the art hallway! I never got this too detailed, and I don't know if having done so would have made the process easier or more difficult. By some miracle, administration accepted this sketch - as long as I promised to put clothes onto it. Fair enough.  It's an original piece and I still like the sketch, it just got lost in translation.

Lovely, crotch shot!

As of today, this is what I've accomplished. If you stroll through the art hall often enough, you may know the variety of things this painting has gone through. Such as green hair, and a fur vest. I'm finally trying to dedicate myself to getting this the way that I want, seeing as how it won't be going anywhere soon.

Changes to be made:

• Jesus, nobodies crotch is that weird
• Belly button?
• Proportions - Her waist and hips are way small compared to those shoulders
• Leggggsssss!
• She's lost her shapeliness- fix that!
• Her neck is uneven..odd..haha
• Shadows, highlights!
• Le staff and le skull are being neglected
• Oh yeah, she's just as faceless as she was in the blueprint

One day (hopefully soon), I'll be able to show you guys a finished product that I can be proud of. It's going to take a lot of work though.

Malice in Wonderland

This weekend I played around with some more costume makeup. I developed my own mad hatter costume and makeup, consisting of a very sparkley top hat, a green dress, some rad tights and shoes, and a suit jackets. Unfortunately, I didn't take any pictures of the ensemble. I did get a picture of my makeup though! (I apologize in advance for the awful photos)

 We're all a little bit mad here

My theme for this was clearly black and green. I lined my eyes in black and dusted green eyeshadow around, and blended. I filled in my eyebrows, and added a highlight. Then I applied black lipstick, and dabbed the same green eyeshadow onto the center of my bottom lip and the underside of my top lip. Oh yeah, and I had fake eyelashes on my top and bottom eyelids. Talk about itchy!

Oh, and I had cool green nails too!

 Bloodhail

I began with the teeth face painting for this one, using my band new Wolfe Brothers palette! Then I added bits of tissue around the exposed teeth using a glue stick. Then I applied black cream makeup on top of and around the tissue. I then went over this with thick fake blood. I dotted some of the blood around my mouth and the gash, and did small strokes on my cheeks. Then I applied yellow and green cream makeup around the whole mouth to make it appear infected. Dabbed bruise like colors onto my mouth, and extended it out to make it look like the other side of my mouth was cut. I cut pieces of thread and glued them in an x pattern over my over my lips. I then applied black and red cream makeup

Tired

Thinking about this future makes me so nervous it hurts sometimes. I hate the idea of college. There's absolutely no guarantee, that just just because I have a good degree, that I can get a good job. With how much you have to put into it, some insurance would be nice. That's not how the world works though (I say naively as if at my young age I have an even a remote understanding of how the world works). I really don't want the rest of my life to shitty because I was forced to make a shitty decision about what I want to do for the rest of my life when I'm only 18 years old or so. I don't even know if I want to go to college at this point, even though I have another year to decide. There's a pressure to figure it all out , and then do so many things to attempt to get there. It's this huge amount of overwhelming things, that just gives me the overwhelming urge to do absolutely nothing.

I hate feelings.

You can't just treat people like shit and expect them to love you. Don't think that I have to love you, because you know what? I don't. I don't have to love anyone if I don't want to. Not even my own mother (but I do, very dearly).

You know, I realized that it's kind of funny that I say these things because how do you just stop loving somebody? Is there a will that exists to do that? I know that people fall out of love all the time, but is it by their own choice? I'm not so sure about this. I try not to care all the time, just like you don't. And I can't, I just can't do it. Something in me, that is deeper than I can explain, causes me to feel this way. I'm unequipped to fight against it, there is no off switch. Just thinking about this makes my anxiety wild. Maybe I need to medicate, make myself a zombie so to speak. I wonder how that would feel, I suppose it just wouldn't. Hungry, maybe? For brains?

"If you really love me, let me eat your brain."

* Edit - Initially I didn't post this because I thought maybe it was a little too extreme considering the purpose is for my English Class. But then again, it's really becoming for myself, somewhere where I can out whatever I want. So I feel as though I can justify its place here, and forget what anyone has to say about it. Also, it's not about a love interest, just general feelings about several things.

Replacement Post

I had a whole post planned out and written for today, but it was maybe a little too sad. I'm not sure. I'm not aiming to sound like a diary here. I just have a issue when it comes to topics that are off limits. It feels good to cross lines something. Regardless, instead, I come bearing artwork and good news! I lettered in academics, which is exciting to a lame ass like myself.

This is just a pointillism project I did last year of my favorite author, Hunter S. Thompson. The picture doesn't quite do this justice. Though I framed it and scripted it with my favorite quote of his, "In a closed society where everyone is guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world full of thieves, the final sin is stupidity." I believe this got an honorable mention in the art show, under the category of "Free Project" (which has the most entries by far) for the Drawing and Painting class. This isn't too upsetting though, I also received third place in the same category for a painting I did on a large metal disc, as shown below. This time, the picture REALLY does not do it justice.

Don't feel, create!

     I haven't quite felt myself lately, nothing really feels right to me anymore. Just some winter..uh fall..blues, maybe? I've had a gut wrenching feeling in my stomach for a couple days now, and my anxiety has been pretty bad. I just feel nervous, I don't really know. It'll pass I'm sure, it's just going to be rough to ride this one out. Once again, I've been painting my face this week. I'm also working on a new painting on canvas. There's one thing I've still got under control, my creativity. That never fails to aid me through some hard times.

Grotesque 

To do this, I paled out my face with white cream makeup, and a sponge. Then I created fine lines, wrinkles, and crevices around my eyes, cheeks, eyebrows, and nose.  I went back in with a brush to blend it out, and make shadows. I also made dark circles around my eyes using a black eye shadow. For the mouth I used cream makeup to draw my mouth extending towards my cheek and filled it in black. Afterwards, I used a brush and gel blood. I applied it all over the black areas and layered it, blending it with the black towards the corner, then taking the blood out further away from the mouth.

 Eddie

This one really is hard to explain. I used regular old face paint, and a fine brush, and really just went at it. Blending, blending, and more blending on this one! I'm noticing I have a thing for only painting half my face..not so much 'cause it looks cool...more 'cause I'm lazy. Ha!

After I finished up the second look, I kinda felt like I looked like this guy! Eddie, from Iron Maiden.

My Best Friend is an Old Fart

I made this creepy little card with watercolors  for my best friend in art class recently. His birthday tomorrow, and he's going to be 20!

Demonia

Ahh sweet October, my favorite time of year. The haunting season reeks of blood, and guts, and gore galore! These are the things I love the most. This year has been especially excellent. I've discovered a new love, that I have somewhat of a talent for. Halloween makeup. I'm creating new faces, masks, cuts and bruises. Just another art form I've taken on, with a different canvas. Using simple materials, I've created a few looks to show my love for Halloween.

The Pumpkin King

 This half pumpkin/half skeleton face was created using a cheap Halloween makeup palette I got from Walmart and various makeup and paint brushes.

 Beaten

I creates this distressed look by first making my face pale with cheap cream Halloween makeup and contouring my cheek bones to make them look sunken in with a bronzer. I applied the same bronzer around my eyes to make it look like there were dark circles under my eyes. To create bruises, and a black eyes I applied various brown/red/and purples where I wanted the bruise to appear darkest. In the black eye I used a small amount of black to accentuate the lines under my eye. I dabbed the outer areas of the bruises with yellow and small amounts of green. For the wounds near my eye, chin, nose and mouth I used to same method as I did in the last picture.

  


Satan's Maw

For this look I again just used cheap cream Halloween makeup from Walmart, brushes, and eyeliner around my eye. I only used black, white, and a little red in the lines around the mouth.

I'm Fine

I created this nasty looking wound by applying an FX wax to my cheek and adding small pieces of ripped tissue to the wax to add some texture. Then I stippled on black cream makeup with a brush, and added a little bit of a rusty brown color around that. I added yellow and a fleshy peach color around the would to make it appear infected. I covered the black areas and any exposed wax or tissue paper with gel blood I put onto a brush. I smeared a little around the edges as well, but just a very small around.